I seem to enjoy writing most when I'm avoiding homework.

Before I entered high school, back in the 8th grade, we had to fill out this paper about goals, ambitions, and the like, as a reflection before moving onto the "next step in life." I hastily wrote generic answers to finish the assignment, but paused when I came across the question "What do you want in life?" I listed the obvious, "a good job, a good home, loving marriage, children," then went onto answers based on more of what i wanted, "no one I loved to die, and to have no regrets when I die. To be satisfied."

The latter of my answers is not going so well at the moment. My life is full of regrets, "could haves, "should haves," and "would haves." I have not yet gained the serenity to accept things I cant change. You know those "time capsules" people write to their future selves? Well now and then I think about if my future self would write to my past self. The letter would go somewhat like this:

Dear Kelly,
Life as a senior is about 75% what you are expecting. Your checklist- great grades, go to prom with THAT guy, spring camp, and lose weight- arent going so well. Your first semester will be your worst semester ever, youre not going with THAT guy to prom, you dont get into spring camp, and you just get fatter and fatter. I take that 75% back. More like 45% happiness. The happiness I do speak of though is awesome band trip, band season, get into Tahitian and eventually Combined, and fun OED. Also new friends and great times at Jamba. Back to 50% happiness I guess? But then again, you have a crappy part in Variety Show, you dont get a lead in triennial, you miss 2 proms, get rejected from USC and BC, and dont have a boyfriend, but weird encounters with THAT guy. Oh ya and did i mention you encounter a death? Never mind, back to 43% happiness. So basically, make the most of your year and try to fix things so the happiness level would be at least 75%.

Love,
Yourself



mmhmm good stuff. i imagine my past self to be somewhat shocked.

it's rain

rain at night is different from rain during the day. rain during the day, you can see it and most of the time get caught in that more than night rain. for me, rain during the day usually occurs while i am at school and sometimes while i am indoors looking out. i think about mud sliding, a potential tanning day ruined, or how i would hate to be wearing white. rain at night, you cant see it most of the time. you can only feel, not see, and hear it. rain on your roof at night makes you thankful that you are inside and not outside. it is raining now.
its now 10 pm and i havent done any homework what so ever. or even showered yet. and therefore i feel extremely gross and unaccomplished. i can say this because i doubt anyone reads this. i am wasting life and electricity and time. this is horrible. i should do something. like homework. or study. or figure out how i can get everyone to like me. yes, figure out how to get everyone to like me.
now my mind has skipped to this line from the movie "adaptation" in which donald, the main character's twin brother, tells a story about how he loved this girl in high school, and even though she made fun of him behind his back, he loved her still. his brother asked why he still loved her even if she made fun of him. he said that it was his love, and not even she could take that away from him. im not sure if that made sense to me. how can you possibly love something, knowing it had negative feelings towards you, and go on like that? how is that possible? oh wait im doing that now and it killing me. it must not be possible. sorry donald, i think i found a flaw in your movie script.

anyway, i should go do something useful with myself like shower and homework and sleep. i want to do something great. and i want things to be great for me. that would be great.

karma

i know im supposed to be doing math homework and i told myself id be sleeping early tonight, but this blog needs some love. and i feel inspired.

ive recently acknowledged the fact that i am a believer in karma. karma is sort of like "bachi," in hawaii's society, which is the belief that if you do something bad, it will come back to you in some way. im beginning to believe in balance. like all the good and bad will add up in the end to become neutral. for example, say i didnt get into spring camp or get a good grade on the past euro test but got into UW and Santa Clara. that would be balance. i believe in this balance, but recently, ive encountered a lot of negativity. so something good needs to happen soon or im just wrong in my theory about balance in life.

karma is beginning to enter everything i do in life- when i eat, the way i do things, or the way i think. karma is beginning to become the answer to a lot of my problems and joys. karma is not a religion to me, but an explanation.


i need to stop now. ill finish this later. im getting tired and i have a math test.