everyone has their problems. here are two of mine.

i am detaching myself from my family. my insane psycho name-calling argumentive pretend-we-get-along of a family. i tried not to but they see what they want to see. back to perceptions. theyre like my maryknoll days where people will judge you and keep that judgement no matter what you do to try and change it. i found the best way to keep sane is to detach myself, not to care. its horrible and i consciously dont want to do it, but they are driving me crazy. their repeating words of "you just care about yourself. all about kelly" and "youre so selfish." it hurts. it makes me cry because thats not who i am and all they see are my faults which add up to these judgements.


second problem. when ever i had a problem, i would just remember i had someone to talk to, someone who cared, and it would be ok. just knowing that would make everything alright. and it would numb me so nothing bad could hurt me because having someone there for me was the best feeling ever. but when that person is gone, what do you do? to know they dont care anymore... that hurts the most. and when they seem like they care, theyre actually just using you for something else. and that hurts too. a lot. so now when something bad happens, there is nothing to numb that pain. And on top of that is the additional pain of knowing youre alone.

i wish things would be perfect with my family. why cant we be those tv families where they are so great together? and why do i still miss this guy although he has hurt me in so many ways? he frustrates, annoys, avoids, used, and even avoids me, so why do i miss him? hes not good for me. im so dumb.