when i was little, i thought being in high school was going to be great. awesome. i would be cool. itd be just like tv in all its cliquey, school hating, sterotypical, junk cafeteria foodness. it turns out high school was nothing like how i imagined. nope, no geeky kids being thrown into the trash by some jock. no cheerleader group ruling the school. so here are some misconceptions:

1. there are still kids that watch disney channel. although our range of tv shows have expanded into reality tv, disney channel still remains on the list.

2. mommys still pack lunch. my old boyfriends mom packs his lunch. my friend with a mullet's mom packs his lunch. my friend obsessed with disney's mom still packs his lunch. maybe im just hanging around the wrong group of friends?

3. cheerleaders- not that popular. no one wants to be them. not really anyone shows up to try outs. not that big of a deal here.

4. homecoming queen and prom queen dont exist. well at least not at my school. holoku queen is the equivalent to prom queen i think.

5. the cafeteria food isnt bad. in fact its really good. again, maybe just my school.

6. the marching band is cooler than the cheer leaders. i kid you not. not geeky at all.

7. football players are not worshipped.

8. you dont lock eyes with boys in the halls. idt its ever happened. maybe thats just me. if so, where are those boys hiding?

9. you will not "occasionally" pass people in the halls you used to know, but you will always past them. its not that big of a campus, pleasee.

10. boys and girls dont dance in pairs- no, they dance in groups.

11. its not weird if a jock talks to a theatre person or a long haired haole kid talks to an anime obsessor. we all get along... some how?

12. prom is not that magical. nor is function. its not as formal as you think it is. i know. magic is ruineddd.

13. boys dont get hotter, smarter, and you dont really see them in a different light. not really at least.

14. youre not as hott as you would like to be. or as developed.

15. there are no set periods for lunch, therefore food fights dont exist. or detention. demerits, yes.

16. if youre a dork, dont worry about being thrown into the trash. it never happens. ever.

17. people dont judge you harshly. so there really is no making over geeks and such. high school would actually make a bad tv show.

ya thats all i can think of at the moment. apparently i have some family health issues to deal with now and a math test tomorrow anyway.

warning: dont read if you want to hear me complain. thats about all of you.

so i feel whiny because everything for me right now pretty much sucks. its like getting lost when driving and not stopping for directions. so you keep driving, getting more lost, and telling yourself "its okay, turn around at the next oppurtunity" but that oppurtunity to turn back never comes. if you understood that, high ten to you. that was one of my better metaphors. if you didnt, its okay because i was never good at making metaphors.

here are the things wrong with me in no particular order

1. variety show is a waste of time. i hate people coming up to me and going "what?! youre not a dancer?!" because that just rubs it in. i dont think the auditions even counted. i ended up as a soprano singer with an ugly costume. i cant sing to save my life and i dont do spandies. so lets see- not a dancer, ugly costume, prop in scene 6. yup thats 1,2, and 3.

4. my grades. yes i am going to cry. ive never gotten so low on my report card EVER and even more so, x3. ya on the same report card. wtf right?

5. im fat. but really, whats new right?

6. on friday, we went out for my friends birthday. it made me sad because this was the kind of birthday i had wanted. there were 20 something of us and we had a good time. also, her icecream sundae they gave her wasnt melted. and we paid for her dinner. oh wait, wasnt she the friend that had said "we shouldnt pay for peoples meals on their birthday when we go out because we dont do it for everyone"? on my birthday, we went to bubba gumps and i sat at the end where no one really talked. my sundae was melted. i paid for my dinner. i saw a movie but we finished eating so late, there were only 5 of us and i fell asleep during it. and the sad thing is, that was one of my better ones. the year before went to the tune of "its your birthday?! omg happy birthday!"

7. im not a lead in the triannual :(

8. the triannual is the day of prom so i have to rush to get ready

9. i dont have a date for prom and the person i want to go with is probably not going to ask me. wow i said it. thats reality. but i really want to go with him. hate/love this guy. cant fricken shake him.

10. so whats up with ikepono right? ikepono sucks like a vaccum cleaner. return policy is sooo junk.

11. i dont have 80s clothes for the party on saturday. reminder to self: make somen salad.

12. oh gawd. what are the colleges going to think when they recieve my transcript? buhhh. im going to cry harder now.

im done being whiny and complainy. im sorry. i had to vent somewhere, but i dont have a best friend. and i think people are getting tired of me complaining to them. ok so now

here is a list of positive things

1. i cleaned my room so its now beautiful

... ok i cant think of anything at the moment, but i will get back to you on this.

everyone has their problems. here are two of mine.

i am detaching myself from my family. my insane psycho name-calling argumentive pretend-we-get-along of a family. i tried not to but they see what they want to see. back to perceptions. theyre like my maryknoll days where people will judge you and keep that judgement no matter what you do to try and change it. i found the best way to keep sane is to detach myself, not to care. its horrible and i consciously dont want to do it, but they are driving me crazy. their repeating words of "you just care about yourself. all about kelly" and "youre so selfish." it hurts. it makes me cry because thats not who i am and all they see are my faults which add up to these judgements.


second problem. when ever i had a problem, i would just remember i had someone to talk to, someone who cared, and it would be ok. just knowing that would make everything alright. and it would numb me so nothing bad could hurt me because having someone there for me was the best feeling ever. but when that person is gone, what do you do? to know they dont care anymore... that hurts the most. and when they seem like they care, theyre actually just using you for something else. and that hurts too. a lot. so now when something bad happens, there is nothing to numb that pain. And on top of that is the additional pain of knowing youre alone.

i wish things would be perfect with my family. why cant we be those tv families where they are so great together? and why do i still miss this guy although he has hurt me in so many ways? he frustrates, annoys, avoids, used, and even avoids me, so why do i miss him? hes not good for me. im so dumb.

Back to perception...


Everyone wants to be viewed in the best light possible. Any slight that might reflect or hint a bit negative or embarassing will cause them to attack the flaw and try their best to deplete it. It's like a girl's face. Girl's try their best to keep their face pretty, flawless, and clean. They will use make up to enhance features and cover up defects, daily face cleaners to ensure beautiful skin, and shape their eyebrows with tweezers or hot wax. Girls will work hard to maintain the image people see every day. And one day, if they happen to wake up with a zit, a plan of attack comes into play and girls will do everything in their power to make that blemish disappear. They will poke, squeeze, burn, cut, cover up, and pul until it gives and goes away. It's the same with images that arent visible, reputations and perceptions.

My friend will request me to remove a video of her dancing on a hotel bed to some music which is clearly innocent and funny, but at the same time, maybe slightly embarassing for her. I left a facebook comment on my cousin's site, kidding around about how dorky she looked when she was younger, and she in turn trashes my facebook page with burning words and hate. Talk about guarding your image.

But once in a while, we let things slip. A pimple you may miss maybe. It might be horrible and come out at the wrong time. It might add character. It might be really minor and unnoticable or maybe it is major. But once in a while, everyone gets a "pimple." We cant help it, so we learn to cope. But that's last resort if we've done all to prevent it.

Maybe this is a horrible analogy and I'm just typing random thoughts that will end horribly. Or maybe I'll finish this the right way.

If I was to live by my analogy, my face is full of zits. I cope more than I cover up. And it's all these flaws which make me wary of who I am beause people constantly see these errs I have created. And not only that, but these "pimples" leave scars on my face which dont go away for a while. I seriously need some zit control. I dont feel horrible because I have zits, but I also feel horrible for causing other people's zits. I think this is where my great analogy turns on me. Maybe I fed those people too much chocolate, stole their face cleaner, or gave them too much stress. I dont know. But I know I am sorry for giving them pimples of their own to cope with or cover up. I dont know. I guess this post will end badly.




My post got messy, I wrote it when I had just woken up, and now I realize I have homework. See this lovely picture? That is my screen right now.